I’ve spent much of my life feeling not quite good enough and spending inordinate amounts of time reading and learning and doing my own development work like grad school and many post grad school trainings. I also have had a sense that all this ‘learning’ is an evasion of me taking more full ownership of my own wisdom and experience.
When I was turning 40 I had the somewhat crazy idea of creating a ritual with some dear friends to mark the transition to some form of greater adulthood. I was working with a woman who helped people create rituals for people wanting to celebrate transitions in their lives. So we created one and we went down next to the Mississippi river in Minneapolis and created a big bonfire and drank and talked about the things we each were at some sort of crossroads in our lives around. I brought a shedload of psychology and development books and pitched them all in the fire as I was letting go of outside advice and inviting my own wisdom to be good enough.
Many years later I’m writing to mark day 1 in my further journies of enoughness. When I noticed this past few weeks reading five different books on a new approach to working I caught myself in this old pattern.
So, I’m using this blog to chart my journey into reading no more books on self/work development and planning on not having the wheels come off my commitment here. One reflection stands out in the moment; one of my deepest fears in dropping this reading/learning is loneliness. Even though my turning to others expertise has marginalized my own authority in some ways, there has been a great comfort in their company. Or maybe I’m afraid I’ll be bored if left to my own thoughts and insights? Or maybe I think I’m not that good?
On some level I know all these fears are rubbish and just thoughts or old mindsets, but breaking out of them and talking about the experience here gives me the opportunity to walk my talk and share my own work as I do with my many clients. I get to see my own fears that in writing about this here others may see me as less than or not as good. But I am all about helping people get out of their own comfort zones and create more of what they really love and feel passionate about. So, my deep love is sharing more of my own experience and intuition and learnings with people, and time to quit distracting myself.